People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Mad Max: Furry Road
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open