Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
You Might Also Like
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.