Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My blood type is b hungry.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.