[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
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My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
a god among men
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD