I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
You Might Also Like
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Become ungovernable.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi