Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.