I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
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A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
meow
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!