[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
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There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
True statement👍😏😁
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…