to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
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Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
got so much cardio in today
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.