bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat