A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
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I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Huge, if true.