When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down