Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
This was my dad’s browser history.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers