[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.