Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
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Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
ok like just. call me at this point
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
when you are just born a rebel