“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
What about second breakfast?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???