Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
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Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Why is this me 😫
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.