Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
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Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Mistakes were made
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Become ungovernable.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct