Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
the dark web is just a goth google.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami