It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Worst Native American name ever.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
had to share :’)
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.