OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
A leaf blower, but for people.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?