My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.