1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
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Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.