If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I love the honesty
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Very good news from my accountant
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.