My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
What the hell is going on?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off