Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Going to church you guys need anything
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason