Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?