“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
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Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what