Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
concern
When ur friends with white people
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy