Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…