what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”