I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon