I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…