Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
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<—- homeless romantic
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?