Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
This is always good for a laugh.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.