before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”