Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on