[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.