MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?