WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
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Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My blood type is b hungry.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.