The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.