4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare