My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
You Might Also Like
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I’m literally crying
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.