horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.