Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
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Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.