#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Hitlers gonna hitl
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*