GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
i hope my email finds you on fire
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
become ungovernable