6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind