Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Ghost costume 😂