other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
When I snag the last meatball.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec